She loves happy endings

A text I just sent to a person I absolutely love:

“I just boarded the bus. Pata hy! The whole i was so i don’t know, depressed? Thinking all of the bad things here. How i foughy everyone at home for this job and wasn’t even happy here. How i spent 10+ hours 6 days a week being around these people and it seemed like forever ago. How shitty people in my pg are. How no one helped me with the gazillion luggage, not even the cab guys who usually do. To the cab person dropped me off at the stand n bht sari buses line se khadi thi. He just opened the dikki saman niche bhi maine hi utara. But anyways, i got off all dejected and fed up and sameting my samaan on the roadside. Tabhi some guys asked ki kaha jana hy konsa bus hy and i told them. And one of them said 15 buses chod ke hy and i was like 😦😦😦😦😦😦. To i started picking up the stuff and the guy said “hum pahcha de kya?” And i said yes please. So he picked up 3 big bags and I picked up the bags and jate hue I was thinking kitna dena hoga inko and what if he says jitna thik lage de do. Fir i was thinking how kuch will be too much and how much will be insultingly low. Meanwhile this guy dropped my luggage exactly bus ki dikki ke bahar. Then came back to help me with what I was holding. Said aap yahi raho wo aake andar dal denge. I was just saying thabkyou and he just left. I was like 😢 thank you. Some people I tell you just save the day. Also, in the bus there is a man with 2 monkeys 😄”

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Today 

I am beginning to be scared of the highs for the lows they bring. The process seems to have sped up. I should know it is coming. Or should I even bother beginning ? 

Two nights ago my love I couldn’t stop blushing. Yes, I am still a sucker for love. Still wishing for the happily ever after. Is it supposed to get better or am I supposed to grow up.

You would think I would’ve been used to it by now. Somehow it just doesn’t sink in. Somehow hope creeps in. And we all know hope is a dangerous thing. 

It takes me to heights and it fills me with joy. Suddenly I’m making this bet. Next thing I know I’m filled with regret. 

No love, I’m not in a bad mood.  It’s just that the distance is too long and I can’t move. It’s just that there are too many blank pages and I have nothing to write. It’s just that I’d rather stay in the dark but it’s too bright. 

There is no light and there is no exit. 

Pretty Flowers 

I have wanted to pick up the phone and call you many times. It’s been so long. I miss the sound of your voice. 

Why then did I do what i did. Why am I  still at it.

You’ve somehow managed to become a manifestation of everything I’ve been running away from. Everything that hurt me. Everything that broke me. Everything that filled my heart with so much joy, I thought I would stop breathing. 

The few stolen moments we had meant nothing to you and they meant nothing to me. But we needed them. I needed to lie down next to you. You needed to hold me in your arms. We needed to forget the pains of yesterday. We needed these stolen moments of something that came so close to love. 

So close, yet always out of reach. 

I close my eyes and remember how your breath felt again the flesh of my neck. I remember your hands exploring every part of my body. I can still feel the weight of your body over mine. 

Yet when we met after a few days, you could see no traces of our previous encounter. The heavy breaths were gone and the light in our eyes was nowhere to be found. 

Still when I close my eyes I can feel your body next to mine. I can feel you kissing my back every time I turn to my side, just like you did that night. I can feel your face so close to mine, waiting to be kissed. 

Why am I not calling you back. 

Then I remember. 

It was a ritual for you, a performance even. It wasn’t love for me either. It was lust. I wanted you. And there the difference lies. I wanted you. You just wanted more. 

I am tempted to tell you that I know what you did after spending the night with me. But my words would just reflect off of you. You don’t listen anymore. You just take in enough to come back with a reply. 

Instead, I write. In hope of not letting your thoughts take over my mind. 

I close my eyes. I can feel your lips on mine. That night, I crossed the line with you. 

16 Hours

Somewhere along the way
The pain subsides

Not much time has passed

No real damage done

It’s not too late to go back now

But soon it will be

I’m surprised it takes so long

I’m afraid it will take too long
Minutes away from betraying last night’s decision 

Days away from sticking to it
All the directions life could have gone

All the turns it can still take

I’m standing here

Still

Too paralysed to move
Where do I begin

What do I say

It’s seems like it’s always been this way

There are moments when it stops

But that doesn’t really last

I’ve always had the leash in my hand

Now I’m trying it again 

When it won’t stop

The days merge together in a way that you don’t know how many have passed and still every minute stretches out into an eternity. The only thing that seems physically possible of being done is lying on the bed alone with the lights turned off and the doors locked. That doesn’t help at all. You toss and you turn. The restlessness you feel in every inch of your body won’t go away.  When the Gods are feeling particularly kind you will fall asleep. With the lady luck on your side even a happy dream will come your way. But of course the ten minutes of sleep is not the blessing you have been graced with, it’s the few seconds of divine peace. Just a few seconds before the emptiness fills you again.

There you go again. You can feel the blood rushing into your brain, giving a burning sensation all over your face. You can feel the heat on your lips every time you breathe out. The heartbeats – feeble and sickly. Cold tears flowing all over the face with the turns of the body are the only respite.

Close your eyes. Nothing, but emptiness. Open your eyes. Nothing, but emptiness.

There is a faint pain in your chest. You can feel it. The constant cry for help for it to stop.

It doesn’t stop.

I cannot not be in love

“I don’t get it”, I said. How could their hearts desire something so primitively wrong. “It doesn’t make sense”, I said. “They lust after innocence and seek to destroy it, such monsters!”

A lot has happened between now and then but only a few days have gone by.

The world makes even less sense than it did before. The question of why go through the trouble remains unanswered.

“What if you lose your faith someday?” I asked her. She was worried. What if the only faith you have ever had was in yourself and you have constantly let yourself down? What if that faith is lost? What will keep me going now? Help me! I don’t want to be the one who gave up! Help me. I have started to believe all those voices who called me crazy all those years. I know they are wrong. Have I lost my chance to prove they are wrong? “I’m just curious.”

“No reason.” I’ve been missing you a lot lately. I still remember the time you thought I was asleep and gave me a kiss, though I was just taking a little break. I didn’t see, but I like to think that you looked at me and you smiled. 

The disintegration started years ago, confused for just a phase. It amazes me how deep its roots are.

Why does the world feel as if it’s not real?

How is it possible for me to feel invisible and exposed at the same time?

I could feel it happening all over again.

Will you let me be me? If I opened up to you, would you still accept me? Would you still love me? Will you close this door and never look back again? I am scared, for you only know only parts of me. Real, but fragments. There’s so much more to me than you see. For I could never confide in any of you, for you all know different sides of me. They are all true, I swear. There is just so much more to me, much more than I let you see.

I heard my name. My heart skipped a beat. Conversations and coffee and dreams and butterflies. I woke up to the mirror, something different about my eyes.

The innocence of it all, it dawned upon me, ironically late at night.

Am I the monster now?

Could you love a monster if it loved you with all of its heart?