16 Hours

Somewhere along the way
The pain subsides

Not much time has passed

No real damage done

It’s not too late to go back now

But soon it will be

I’m surprised it takes so long

I’m afraid it will take too long
Minutes away from betraying last night’s decision 

Days away from sticking to it
All the directions life could have gone

All the turns it can still take

I’m standing here

Still

Too paralysed to move
Where do I begin

What do I say

It’s seems like it’s always been this way

There are moments when it stops

But that doesn’t really last

I’ve always had the leash in my hand

Now I’m trying it again 

When it won’t stop

The days merge together in a way that you don’t know how many have passed and still every minute stretches out into an eternity. The only thing that seems physically possible of being done is lying on the bed alone with the lights turned off and the doors locked. That doesn’t help at all. You toss and you turn. The restlessness you feel in every inch of your body won’t go away.  When the Gods are feeling particularly kind you will fall asleep. With the lady luck on your side even a happy dream will come your way. But of course the ten minutes of sleep is not the blessing you have been graced with, it’s the few seconds of divine peace. Just a few seconds before the emptiness fills you again.

There you go again. You can feel the blood rushing into your brain, giving a burning sensation all over your face. You can feel the heat on your lips every time you breathe out. The heartbeats – feeble and sickly. Cold tears flowing all over the face with the turns of the body are the only respite.

Close your eyes. Nothing, but emptiness. Open your eyes. Nothing, but emptiness.

There is a faint pain in your chest. You can feel it. The constant cry for help for it to stop.

It doesn’t stop.

I cannot not be in love

“I don’t get it”, I said. How could their hearts desire something so primitively wrong. “It doesn’t make sense”, I said. “They lust after innocence and seek to destroy it, such monsters!”

A lot has happened between now and then but only a few days have gone by.

The world makes even less sense than it did before. The question of why go through the trouble remains unanswered.

“What if you lose your faith someday?” I asked her. She was worried. What if the only faith you have ever had was in yourself and you have constantly let yourself down? What if that faith is lost? What will keep me going now? Help me! I don’t want to be the one who gave up! Help me. I have started to believe all those voices who called me crazy all those years. I know they are wrong. Have I lost my chance to prove they are wrong? “I’m just curious.”

“No reason.” I’ve been missing you a lot lately. I still remember the time you thought I was asleep and gave me a kiss, though I was just taking a little break. I didn’t see, but I like to think that you looked at me and you smiled. 

The disintegration started years ago, confused for just a phase. It amazes me how deep its roots are.

Why does the world feel as if it’s not real?

How is it possible for me to feel invisible and exposed at the same time?

I could feel it happening all over again.

Will you let me be me? If I opened up to you, would you still accept me? Would you still love me? Will you close this door and never look back again? I am scared, for you only know only parts of me. Real, but fragments. There’s so much more to me than you see. For I could never confide in any of you, for you all know different sides of me. They are all true, I swear. There is just so much more to me, much more than I let you see.

I heard my name. My heart skipped a beat. Conversations and coffee and dreams and butterflies. I woke up to the mirror, something different about my eyes.

The innocence of it all, it dawned upon me, ironically late at night.

Am I the monster now?

Could you love a monster if it loved you with all of its heart?

 

 

 

 

The monsters within

It didn’t creep up on me some evening when I was alone. It didn’t suddenly feel different one day when I woke up. It has always been a part of me.

It sparks up with the thought of pain, like that is what really keeps us alive. I stopped fighting it when I realized that is the only time I can feel my heart beating. Anger feeds it, makes it grow. Now I feel less than what I was before. It turns me into a different person, thirsty for blood. It makes me want to embrace a warm body then rip it apart with my bare hands as it feeds on the pain in their eyes.

It follows me like a shadow everywhere I go, since when did it become so powerful? There were always a few lapses for a few minutes at most, but now it’s got a tight grip around my mind and doesn’t seem to let go. It’s scary still it makes me feel powerful like I’m actually in control. But it really is getting out of hand, I no longer seem to think straight anymore.

Is a single person or just one incident enough to bring that out in you? Or can it be the result of a lifetime of bottled up emotions. Too late to be asking questions now anyhow. For the dormant monsters are now awake and whatever I do they decide.

Fear

It has such hold of me that every menial task repulses me. Is this what your life has come to? Is this all you are good for? Letting the minutes slip by without any conscience. What happened to the spark always looking for a fight? How did that fade away? What happened to burning out with eminence?

The big dreams, they scare me. I won’t even try.

I knew what I was getting into, where is this coming from? There are so many questions but with the only faith I had being faded away what do I turn to.

Failure has always scared me. Now to the point that I don’t even try. I had no idea I had it in me to be this weak. What if there is no going back?

Him

One fine day walking down the streets, in perfect harmony with the realities of my broken world. If only the universe had given me some hints so I could prepare myself for what was to come. I was not ready for something so…perfect.

The sunlight would make his lashes cast shadows over his eyes but I could still look through. It was cruel. If I could just reach out and feel the warmth of his body against the cold of my skin. I couldn’t. He didn’t belong; maybe it was everything else. The sky was of the wrong color,  people were walking backwards, even in their designated positions things seemed chaotic. Everything was just wrong.

As I got closer I was transfixed with wonder. How could something be so flawless. Now it all made sense. The sun rays traveled this far in hope of faintly discerning his frame. The winds blew so they could get lost in the maze of his curly hair. Fire was bright, trying to imitate the glare of his smile. The flowers bloomed only to match the allure of his words. They all struggled and were all defeated.

It was the kind of agony you begin to love. I fought the trap. It was no use, for I was already enticed by what was before me. Everything else merged into everything else. They lost their shapes, their colors and their purpose. As far as I can see there were blurred hints of objects fixed to the ground, floating around or hanging high above. Only his existence was rationale.

But soon enough I caught my reflection. I wasn’t there anymore. I had blended into my blurred surroundings. Nothing was enough anymore. Not even me.

Appellation

” In those days I wish I never met you. So I could sleep at night and I won’t have to walk around with the knowledge that there is someone like you out there. I didn’t have to watch you throw it all away. “

– Good Will Hunting (1997)

Instead of asking what I would like to be when I grow up, my mother asked me what is the most important thing to me – prestige, power or pounds. Once that is settled, I could get an unimpeded view of what I want to make of myself.

She was forced to change the conventional question because I just couldn’t decide what my passion in life was. Either every little thing amazed and inspired me or left me feeling weary…all at once! Either I loved everything or hated it. There was never an in-between and I never singled anything out.

High school is over. College starts in four months. The clock is ticking. Decide.

Time is up. Decide.

At age 5, my parents ran out of bed time stories to tell me so they asked me to tell them a story instead. I would always picture a vast green jungle with a variety of talking animals and start talking. Apparently, my stories never seemed to end.

At age 9, I spent all my free time at the school library. I loved our librarian. She would recommend all the best children’s books and later we would discuss about the once I’ve read. She treated me like an adult and taught me my opinions matter so why not make informed ones.

At age 12, I learned there is more to computers than the paint application and the miniclip games. We were taught HTML at school. It was beautiful how the letters and symbols transformed. And I created it!

At age 14, I had a new-found love for history. Suddenly it was fascinating to know how certain events have shaped the world as we know it today. The place I call home has been home to others too. Did they like it here? How did the crazy king’s policies affect their lives? Were they scared? Did they wish they didn’t have to be where they are or were they grateful?

At age 16, new academic subjects presented themselves. Accounting became my life. For the nth time now, I was sure about a new career choice. This is it! This is what I want to do for the rest of my life!

At age 18, I am woken up by my sisters at 1 in the morning. I got into one of the finest colleges in the country. Everyone is overjoyed. I go back to sleep without saying a word. I’m indifferent to it. That flame burned out like all the ones before it. It no longer excites me. Don’t ask me why, I don’t have a reason.

Always ready for a run. Always giving it my best, but never the same thing twice. I am meant for greatness, I told myself. I would be in the spotlight and the glory would be mine. The fact that I hadn’t accomplished anything in the real world yet, didn’t discourage me. The insignificant accomplishments were enough to push me forward. I am meant for greatness, I said when I looked in the mirror.

At age 21, I am left with nothing that I love. Things and people cause repulsion. Time either goes too fast or too slow. I stand still, lost and defeated. And I say

I wish I never met you. So I could sleep at night and I won’t have to walk around with the knowledge that there is someone like you out there. I didn’t have to watch you throw it all away.

to the mirage in the mirror.