The Idea of Tomorrow

Is it hope that keeps people going? Hope for things to be exactly the same when life is good or hope for things to be better if it’s not. Now, I know, I’ve been saying how horrible living is for ages but today, just moments ago, it dawned on me, it keeps getting worse. That the ‘tomorrow’ is always going to be worse than ‘today’ was.

Barring a few exceptions of course.

This is a whole new revelation. Not in the way you would jump out of your bathtub and run to your king naked but more like you’re in the passenger’s seat of a car and stopped asking ‘how much longer??’ on a really long drive. Instead you resign putting on your earphones and looking out the window. Looking the same scenery stretch out for miles and miles, not even listening to what’s playing, looking for some respite in the same daydream you had an hour ago and the day before and 12 months ago.

My daydreams are a built in reward system. They make me happy and it’s something that can’t be taken away. The people in them and my relationships with them are as tainted and as perverse as I am so there is no more getting hurt at some further revelation of truth. There is just all the things that could have been. And no, I don’t long for them either. I would still be this miserable even if things played out as beautifully in real life as they did in my mind.

I keep looking for a solution and only one comes to mind. And I know it is really the only one that would work. Only if I could do it.

But I can’t. So I wait. For today to end. And for a worse tomorrow.

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Beyond Blue

I typed into Google search what I was feeling and this came up. ‘Beyond Blue’. I thought to myself never has this ever been defined better. I don’t know if everyone is really good at hiding what they’re feeling or if I am a giant baby who cannot get over this feeling.

I told myself I don’t have to sit at my desk staring at my book if I am not really studying but I am not allowed to do ‘nothing’ while I am awake. Turns out I do a whole lot of ‘nothing’ everyday. If you ask me what I’ve been doing the last 6 years of my life, I’d say nothing because that’s what it feels like. So I tried doing a lot of things over the past week and I failed at every single thing, from glazing cashews to making videos.

You know what it feels like? It feels like a bottom less well so I keep falling. There’s no bottom to make a foundation out of.

It already feels like forever and I almost believe that it is going to be this way forever. If new things aren’t new. There’s a pattern of how things happen and you can take that pattern and apply it to anything and it will be true for it too. Everything is predictable and uninspiring.

I play the same scenarios in my head over and over again. It has the same people and the same plots and the same endings. Been that way for years. I can’t seem to stop doing it.

Auto Pilot Sucks

Out of nowhere I got a new opportunity. Another hope to get me out of the rut I have gotten and managed to keep myself into for a long time. It would have been a way out. Life has been generous in that sense. Every time I’m in the rock bottom, life throws me a rope. Earlier I would climb out, look around, not like what I see and jump back in. Now it seems I just don’t want to get out.

So what did I do when I got this way out? I created a situation where I’ll HAVE to be in a different city for a long time a few months from now. No backsies.

Wolverine (I refuse to call him by his birth name) said in an interview when he is afraid of something, he HAS to do it. Because if he doesn’t, the fear will spread into other aspects of his life. I could so understand that. I haven’t related this much to anything in such a long time. I don’t remember where it started but it has taken over my life. I am so afraid of everything and it is so embarrassing to admit. Growing up I always thought I was so brave.

My life has been the same for the last 6 years. Essentially the same. There is this straight line I’m walking on and every day is going to be exactly the same as the next one while I watch all those unruly, chaotic empty paths that I could have walked on and am choosing not to.

Why is it so hard to just fail. Try and fail. Or just show up and fail. At least show up. All this time avoiding this big exam just so a piece of paper wouldn’t say I failed. So I will show up this time. I will do whatever I have to and just be there. If I get through, great. If I fail, maybe I will finally move on to something else.

I have been trying to achieve the impossible ideals of my perfect future self and completely failing at it. That failure giving rise to another loser image I am needlessly cruel to. Both of them need to be let go of. But of course more bizarre is the fact that I somehow managed to put both ends of the spectrum in there together.

Dear F

Dear F,

You want me to do well

Because I’m a reflection of you

You want me to fly

Inside the cage you’ve built

You tell me what I want to hear

So I wouldn’t think you’re completely evil

And in the moment I do believe your lies

Because that’s what I’ve been wanting

My whole life

But sooner or later your mask falls off

How do you find peace playing with me like that

How are you okay with shattering my hope again and again

You want everyone on your strings

The ones you can, you put in a box

Then you sit on the sofa with a pout

Saying no one loves you

P.S. I’ll never forgive you

She loves happy endings

A text I just sent to a person I absolutely love:

“I just boarded the bus. Pata hy! The whole i was so i don’t know, depressed? Thinking all of the bad things here. How i foughy everyone at home for this job and wasn’t even happy here. How i spent 10+ hours 6 days a week being around these people and it seemed like forever ago. How shitty people in my pg are. How no one helped me with the gazillion luggage, not even the cab guys who usually do. To the cab person dropped me off at the stand n bht sari buses line se khadi thi. He just opened the dikki saman niche bhi maine hi utara. But anyways, i got off all dejected and fed up and sameting my samaan on the roadside. Tabhi some guys asked ki kaha jana hy konsa bus hy and i told them. And one of them said 15 buses chod ke hy and i was like 😦😦😦😦😦😦. To i started picking up the stuff and the guy said “hum pahcha de kya?” And i said yes please. So he picked up 3 big bags and I picked up the bags and jate hue I was thinking kitna dena hoga inko and what if he says jitna thik lage de do. Fir i was thinking how kuch will be too much and how much will be insultingly low. Meanwhile this guy dropped my luggage exactly bus ki dikki ke bahar. Then came back to help me with what I was holding. Said aap yahi raho wo aake andar dal denge. I was just saying thabkyou and he just left. I was like 😢 thank you. Some people I tell you just save the day. Also, in the bus there is a man with 2 monkeys 😄”

Today 

I am beginning to be scared of the highs for the lows they bring. The process seems to have sped up. I should know it is coming. Or should I even bother beginning ? 

Two nights ago my love I couldn’t stop blushing. Yes, I am still a sucker for love. Still wishing for the happily ever after. Is it supposed to get better or am I supposed to grow up.

You would think I would’ve been used to it by now. Somehow it just doesn’t sink in. Somehow hope creeps in. And we all know hope is a dangerous thing. 

It takes me to heights and it fills me with joy. Suddenly I’m making this bet. Next thing I know I’m filled with regret. 

No love, I’m not in a bad mood.  It’s just that the distance is too long and I can’t move. It’s just that there are too many blank pages and I have nothing to write. It’s just that I’d rather stay in the dark but it’s too bright. 

There is no light and there is no exit. 

Pretty Flowers 

I have wanted to pick up the phone and call you many times. It’s been so long. I miss the sound of your voice. 

Why then did I do what i did. Why am I  still at it.

You’ve somehow managed to become a manifestation of everything I’ve been running away from. Everything that hurt me. Everything that broke me. Everything that filled my heart with so much joy, I thought I would stop breathing. 

The few stolen moments we had meant nothing to you and they meant nothing to me. But we needed them. I needed to lie down next to you. You needed to hold me in your arms. We needed to forget the pains of yesterday. We needed these stolen moments of something that came so close to love. 

So close, yet always out of reach. 

I close my eyes and remember how your breath felt again the flesh of my neck. I remember your hands exploring every part of my body. I can still feel the weight of your body over mine. 

Yet when we met after a few days, you could see no traces of our previous encounter. The heavy breaths were gone and the light in our eyes was nowhere to be found. 

Still when I close my eyes I can feel your body next to mine. I can feel you kissing my back every time I turn to my side, just like you did that night. I can feel your face so close to mine, waiting to be kissed. 

Why am I not calling you back. 

Then I remember. 

It was a ritual for you, a performance even. It wasn’t love for me either. It was lust. I wanted you. And there the difference lies. I wanted you. You just wanted more. 

I am tempted to tell you that I know what you did after spending the night with me. But my words would just reflect off of you. You don’t listen anymore. You just take in enough to come back with a reply. 

Instead, I write. In hope of not letting your thoughts take over my mind. 

I close my eyes. I can feel your lips on mine. That night, I crossed the line with you. 

16 Hours

Somewhere along the way
The pain subsides

Not much time has passed

No real damage done

It’s not too late to go back now

But soon it will be

I’m surprised it takes so long

I’m afraid it will take too long
Minutes away from betraying last night’s decision 

Days away from sticking to it
All the directions life could have gone

All the turns it can still take

I’m standing here

Still

Too paralysed to move
Where do I begin

What do I say

It’s seems like it’s always been this way

There are moments when it stops

But that doesn’t really last

I’ve always had the leash in my hand

Now I’m trying it again 

When it won’t stop

The days merge together in a way that you don’t know how many have passed and still every minute stretches out into an eternity. The only thing that seems physically possible of being done is lying on the bed alone with the lights turned off and the doors locked. That doesn’t help at all. You toss and you turn. The restlessness you feel in every inch of your body won’t go away.  When the Gods are feeling particularly kind you will fall asleep. With the lady luck on your side even a happy dream will come your way. But of course the ten minutes of sleep is not the blessing you have been graced with, it’s the few seconds of divine peace. Just a few seconds before the emptiness fills you again.

There you go again. You can feel the blood rushing into your brain, giving a burning sensation all over your face. You can feel the heat on your lips every time you breathe out. The heartbeats – feeble and sickly. Cold tears flowing all over the face with the turns of the body are the only respite.

Close your eyes. Nothing, but emptiness. Open your eyes. Nothing, but emptiness.

There is a faint pain in your chest. You can feel it. The constant cry for help for it to stop.

It doesn’t stop.