Appellation

” In those days I wish I never met you. So I could sleep at night and I won’t have to walk around with the knowledge that there is someone like you out there. I didn’t have to watch you throw it all away. “

– Good Will Hunting (1997)

Instead of asking what I would like to be when I grow up, my mother asked me what is the most important thing to me – prestige, power or pounds. Once that is settled, I could get an unimpeded view of what I want to make of myself.

She was forced to change the conventional question because I just couldn’t decide what my passion in life was. Either every little thing amazed and inspired me or left me feeling weary…all at once! Either I loved everything or hated it. There was never an in-between and I never singled anything out.

High school is over. College starts in four months. The clock is ticking. Decide.

Time is up. Decide.

At age 5, my parents ran out of bed time stories to tell me so they asked me to tell them a story instead. I would always picture a vast green jungle with a variety of talking animals and start talking. Apparently, my stories never seemed to end.

At age 9, I spent all my free time at the school library. I loved our librarian. She would recommend all the best children’s books and later we would discuss about the once I’ve read. She treated me like an adult and taught me my opinions matter so why not make informed ones.

At age 12, I learned there is more to computers than the paint application and the miniclip games. We were taught HTML at school. It was beautiful how the letters and symbols transformed. And I created it!

At age 14, I had a new-found love for history. Suddenly it was fascinating to know how certain events have shaped the world as we know it today. The place I call home has been home to others too. Did they like it here? How did the crazy king’s policies affect their lives? Were they scared? Did they wish they didn’t have to be where they are or were they grateful?

At age 16, new academic subjects presented themselves. Accounting became my life. For the nth time now, I was sure about a new career choice. This is it! This is what I want to do for the rest of my life!

At age 18, I am woken up by my sisters at 1 in the morning. I got into one of the finest colleges in the country. Everyone is overjoyed. I go back to sleep without saying a word. I’m indifferent to it. That flame burned out like all the ones before it. It no longer excites me. Don’t ask me why, I don’t have a reason.

Always ready for a run. Always giving it my best, but never the same thing twice. I am meant for greatness, I told myself. I would be in the spotlight and the glory would be mine. The fact that I hadn’t accomplished anything in the real world yet, didn’t discourage me. The insignificant accomplishments were enough to push me forward. I am meant for greatness, I said when I looked in the mirror.

At age 21, I am left with nothing that I love. Things and people cause repulsion. Time either goes too fast or too slow. I stand still, lost and defeated. And I say

I wish I never met you. So I could sleep at night and I won’t have to walk around with the knowledge that there is someone like you out there. I didn’t have to watch you throw it all away.

to the mirage in the mirror.

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14 thoughts on “Appellation

  1. speechless i am…!! one of the best pieces of literature that i read in a long long time..!! keep writing keep expressing and keep growing..!! gud luck πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, as you can probably tell, I’m firmly in the good British cuppa tea camp. It’s always lovely to hear my writing complimented, especially by someone who’s a talented writer themselves, thank you.

        Like

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