I cannot not be in love

“I don’t get it”, I said. How could their hearts desire something so primitively wrong. “It doesn’t make sense”, I said. “They lust after innocence and seek to destroy it, such monsters!”

A lot has happened between now and then but only a few days have gone by.

The world makes even less sense than it did before. The question of why go through the trouble remains unanswered.

“What if you lose your faith someday?” I asked her. She was worried. What if the only faith you have ever had was in yourself and you have constantly let yourself down? What if that faith is lost? What will keep me going now? Help me! I don’t want to be the one who gave up! Help me. I have started to believe all those voices who called me crazy all those years. I know they are wrong. Have I lost my chance to prove they are wrong? “I’m just curious.”

“No reason.” I’ve been missing you a lot lately. I still remember the time you thought I was asleep and gave me a kiss, though I was just taking a little break. I didn’t see, but I like to think that you looked at me and you smiled. 

The disintegration started years ago, confused for just a phase. It amazes me how deep its roots are.

Why does the world feel as if it’s not real?

How is it possible for me to feel invisible and exposed at the same time?

I could feel it happening all over again.

Will you let me be me? If I opened up to you, would you still accept me? Would you still love me? Will you close this door and never look back again? I am scared, for you only know only parts of me. Real, but fragments. There’s so much more to me than you see. For I could never confide in any of you, for you all know different sides of me. They are all true, I swear. There is just so much more to me, much more than I let you see.

I heard my name. My heart skipped a beat. Conversations and coffee and dreams and butterflies. I woke up to the mirror, something different about my eyes.

The innocence of it all, it dawned upon me, ironically late at night.

Am I the monster now?

Could you love a monster if it loved you with all of its heart?






One thought on “I cannot not be in love

  1. Sunayana bohidar says:

    You know what i do… every morning when i wake up.. i see myself in the mirror.. eye to eye.. and i see the same confidence.. and then i smile.. and start my day.. do not let anything or anybody make you believe something you are not..

    Liked by 2 people

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