Is it hope that keeps people going? Hope for things to be exactly the same when life is good or hope for things to be better if it’s not. Now, I know, I’ve been saying how horrible living is for ages but today, just moments ago, it dawned on me, it keeps getting worse. That the ‘tomorrow’ is always going to be worse than ‘today’ was.
Barring a few exceptions of course.
This is a whole new revelation. Not in the way you would jump out of your bathtub and run to your king naked but more like you’re in the passenger’s seat of a car and stopped asking ‘how much longer??’ on a really long drive. Instead you resign putting on your earphones and looking out the window. Looking the same scenery stretch out for miles and miles, not even listening to what’s playing, looking for some respite in the same daydream you had an hour ago and the day before and 12 months ago.
My daydreams are a built in reward system. They make me happy and it’s something that can’t be taken away. The people in them and my relationships with them are as tainted and as perverse as I am so there is no more getting hurt at some further revelation of truth. There is just all the things that could have been. And no, I don’t long for them either. I would still be this miserable even if things played out as beautifully in real life as they did in my mind.
I keep looking for a solution and only one comes to mind. And I know it is really the only one that would work. Only if I could do it.
But I can’t. So I wait. For today to end. And for a worse tomorrow.