Today 

I am beginning to be scared of the highs for the lows they bring. The process seems to have sped up. I should know it is coming. Or should I even bother beginning ? 

Two nights ago my love I couldn’t stop blushing. Yes, I am still a sucker for love. Still wishing for the happily ever after. Is it supposed to get better or am I supposed to grow up.

You would think I would’ve been used to it by now. Somehow it just doesn’t sink in. Somehow hope creeps in. And we all know hope is a dangerous thing. 

It takes me to heights and it fills me with joy. Suddenly I’m making this bet. Next thing I know I’m filled with regret. 

No love, I’m not in a bad mood.  It’s just that the distance is too long and I can’t move. It’s just that there are too many blank pages and I have nothing to write. It’s just that I’d rather stay in the dark but it’s too bright. 

There is no light and there is no exit. 

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Pretty Flowers 

I have wanted to pick up the phone and call you many times. It’s been so long. I miss the sound of your voice. 

Why then did I do what i did. Why am I  still at it.

You’ve somehow managed to become a manifestation of everything I’ve been running away from. Everything that hurt me. Everything that broke me. Everything that filled my heart with so much joy, I thought I would stop breathing. 

The few stolen moments we had meant nothing to you and they meant nothing to me. But we needed them. I needed to lie down next to you. You needed to hold me in your arms. We needed to forget the pains of yesterday. We needed these stolen moments of something that came so close to love. 

So close, yet always out of reach. 

I close my eyes and remember how your breath felt again the flesh of my neck. I remember your hands exploring every part of my body. I can still feel the weight of your body over mine. 

Yet when we met after a few days, you could see no traces of our previous encounter. The heavy breaths were gone and the light in our eyes was nowhere to be found. 

Still when I close my eyes I can feel your body next to mine. I can feel you kissing my back every time I turn to my side, just like you did that night. I can feel your face so close to mine, waiting to be kissed. 

Why am I not calling you back. 

Then I remember. 

It was a ritual for you, a performance even. It wasn’t love for me either. It was lust. I wanted you. And there the difference lies. I wanted you. You just wanted more. 

I am tempted to tell you that I know what you did after spending the night with me. But my words would just reflect off of you. You don’t listen anymore. You just take in enough to come back with a reply. 

Instead, I write. In hope of not letting your thoughts take over my mind. 

I close my eyes. I can feel your lips on mine. That night, I crossed the line with you. 

16 Hours

Somewhere along the way
The pain subsides

Not much time has passed

No real damage done

It’s not too late to go back now

But soon it will be

I’m surprised it takes so long

I’m afraid it will take too long
Minutes away from betraying last night’s decision 

Days away from sticking to it
All the directions life could have gone

All the turns it can still take

I’m standing here

Still

Too paralysed to move
Where do I begin

What do I say

It’s seems like it’s always been this way

There are moments when it stops

But that doesn’t really last

I’ve always had the leash in my hand

Now I’m trying it again 

When it won’t stop

The days merge together in a way that you don’t know how many have passed and still every minute stretches out into an eternity. The only thing that seems physically possible of being done is lying on the bed alone with the lights turned off and the doors locked. That doesn’t help at all. You toss and you turn. The restlessness you feel in every inch of your body won’t go away.  When the Gods are feeling particularly kind you will fall asleep. With the lady luck on your side even a happy dream will come your way. But of course the ten minutes of sleep is not the blessing you have been graced with, it’s the few seconds of divine peace. Just a few seconds before the emptiness fills you again.

There you go again. You can feel the blood rushing into your brain, giving a burning sensation all over your face. You can feel the heat on your lips every time you breathe out. The heartbeats – feeble and sickly. Cold tears flowing all over the face with the turns of the body are the only respite.

Close your eyes. Nothing, but emptiness. Open your eyes. Nothing, but emptiness.

There is a faint pain in your chest. You can feel it. The constant cry for help for it to stop.

It doesn’t stop.

I cannot not be in love

“I don’t get it”, I said. How could their hearts desire something so primitively wrong. “It doesn’t make sense”, I said. “They lust after innocence and seek to destroy it, such monsters!”

A lot has happened between now and then but only a few days have gone by.

The world makes even less sense than it did before. The question of why go through the trouble remains unanswered.

“What if you lose your faith someday?” I asked her. She was worried. What if the only faith you have ever had was in yourself and you have constantly let yourself down? What if that faith is lost? What will keep me going now? Help me! I don’t want to be the one who gave up! Help me. I have started to believe all those voices who called me crazy all those years. I know they are wrong. Have I lost my chance to prove they are wrong? “I’m just curious.”

“No reason.” I’ve been missing you a lot lately. I still remember the time you thought I was asleep and gave me a kiss, though I was just taking a little break. I didn’t see, but I like to think that you looked at me and you smiled. 

The disintegration started years ago, confused for just a phase. It amazes me how deep its roots are.

Why does the world feel as if it’s not real?

How is it possible for me to feel invisible and exposed at the same time?

I could feel it happening all over again.

Will you let me be me? If I opened up to you, would you still accept me? Would you still love me? Will you close this door and never look back again? I am scared, for you only know only parts of me. Real, but fragments. There’s so much more to me than you see. For I could never confide in any of you, for you all know different sides of me. They are all true, I swear. There is just so much more to me, much more than I let you see.

I heard my name. My heart skipped a beat. Conversations and coffee and dreams and butterflies. I woke up to the mirror, something different about my eyes.

The innocence of it all, it dawned upon me, ironically late at night.

Am I the monster now?

Could you love a monster if it loved you with all of its heart?

 

 

 

 

The monsters within

It didn’t creep up on me some evening when I was alone. It didn’t suddenly feel different one day when I woke up. It has always been a part of me.

It sparks up with the thought of pain, like that is what really keeps us alive. I stopped fighting it when I realized that is the only time I can feel my heart beating. Anger feeds it, makes it grow. Now I feel less than what I was before. It turns me into a different person, thirsty for blood. It makes me want to embrace a warm body then rip it apart with my bare hands as it feeds on the pain in their eyes.

It follows me like a shadow everywhere I go, since when did it become so powerful? There were always a few lapses for a few minutes at most, but now it’s got a tight grip around my mind and doesn’t seem to let go. It’s scary still it makes me feel powerful like I’m actually in control. But it really is getting out of hand, I no longer seem to think straight anymore.

Is a single person or just one incident enough to bring that out in you? Or can it be the result of a lifetime of bottled up emotions. Too late to be asking questions now anyhow. For the dormant monsters are now awake and whatever I do they decide.

Fear

It has such hold of me that every menial task repulses me. Is this what your life has come to? Is this all you are good for? Letting the minutes slip by without any conscience. What happened to the spark always looking for a fight? How did that fade away? What happened to burning out with eminence?

The big dreams, they scare me. I won’t even try.

I knew what I was getting into, where is this coming from? There are so many questions but with the only faith I had being faded away what do I turn to.

Failure has always scared me. Now to the point that I don’t even try. I had no idea I had it in me to be this weak. What if there is no going back?